I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Thursday
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
This is me 🤣🤣
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.