Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Catering service
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?