You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
You Might Also Like
sleeping beauty
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
classic mixup
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.