“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest