I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.