Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
my professor scared me for a second
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
A fake ID that makes you younger
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.