Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.