I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.