I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.