When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You Might Also Like
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma