I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You Might Also Like
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Growing out my freckles.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….