🤣
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
when you are just born a rebel
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”