FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.