me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
You Might Also Like
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔