“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.