[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda