OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah