Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
they finally got him. they got macavity
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge