Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
wtf is a larm clock?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*