I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY