she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.