MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
who will stop them
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly