Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries