Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?