I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
You Might Also Like
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron