why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.