This meeting could have been a cake
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing