Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…