Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.