I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah