Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it