I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.