The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My wedding will be open casket.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.