Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me if I was a dog
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks