So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.