Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.