When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.