“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
You Might Also Like
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
happy friday
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.