[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You Might Also Like
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol