Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
These aren’t even hard anymore.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug