1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.