*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
oh u like history? name everything that happened
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.