[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
where do you see yourself in five years?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”