she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
What about second breakfast?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’