Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant