I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.