Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Webb. James Webb.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it