Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Just as the prophecy foretold
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is