My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
You Might Also Like
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play