Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Saturday
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction